Month: December 2013

In your arms, I am safe and warm. I don’t think about the world out there, what I should be doing, what I should be wearing, who or what I should be. I don’t even think at all. I just am.

I am warm. I am safe. I am loved.

In your arms I am all these things. Your body blocks out every stressor, every memory, every flinch, cringe, shrinking into invisibility reflex. I just relax.

I relax. I am.

In your arms there is no shivering in the tiny closet behind the water pipes. There is no fear for who will find me, who will drag me from my hiding place. What will happen when they do.

I am safe.

In your arms I am safe. There is no drunken ranting, screaming tirade raining down upon this small child. There is no one blaming me for what I can’t even name. In your arms I know quiet.

In your arms there is no slapping, hitting, belting, no violin flying across the room. There is no crashing and slamming of every thing that I own into that metal trash can. No shivering in the driveway watching a pool of vomit seep into clothes.

I am quiet. I am safe. I am warm.

In your arms I breathe. Lungs expand, blood awakens thawing frozen extremities, circling down, up, around and around my body. I move, stretch. Alive with wonder, I reach and I find you.

I breathe life.

I reach and find soft flesh, yours. Your hands touching me feel good, right. My mouth moves against yours, lips caressing, pulling, sucking. Tongue tasting, teeth claiming. Hunger awakens, I reach for more.

I live, breathe, hunger, reach.

I reach and find myself. Stretching past conformity into possibility. Excitement builds and I reach out past your arms, breaking into the world, free for the first time. I find and claim myself.

I claim myself.

You try to keep me safe in your arms, warn me of hidden motives in every friend that I meet. Warn me that I’ll get hurt, be made a fool of. Your fears grasp at my eager limbs, pulling me back to your safety. Who are you trying to keep safe? Me? or you?

I escape.

I am no longer containable, no longer a victim in need of shelter. I am strong, confident and ready to face the world on my terms, with my definitions and my identity.

I escape. I am ready. I am strong.
Let me go.

Bright Blessings on this winter day, may love’s flame warm your heart.
A gift of words:

Winter is the time of dark
    of resting
        and connecting

As we settle in
    earth’s gentle womb
        she sees the emptiness
            of our soul

We question how we came to be
    Here
        in this place
            where we cannot see

Ages of longing have failed to fill
    Holes
        left in our hearts
            wounds unhealed
            a yawning abyss

This place of seeming end
    is not

Holding us here
    ‘neath winter’s cold
        she readies us
            to launch again
            into the sun warmed sky

Trust in her darkness
    as we breathe
        infinite truth
            deep
                into our soul

Listen
    to her wisdom
        let her heal
        and feed us

She’ll send wolf
    to find our lost parts
        and return us
            whole
            again

Breathe the infinite
    stirring our soul
        igniting our voice

Feel sun
    reclaim the sky
        lifting us
        on warming air

Turning, turning
higher still

Speaking truth
    releasing wisdom
        spiraling up
            out
                into the infinite
                    where all are one
                        and all
                            are whole

Each day that you stay with us, I count a blessing.
Each day that you stand and face your demons, I stand with you facing mine.
Each day that you remember you are not alone, I am not alone.

The morning commute began; to my left, December’s cold moon still reigned high above the sleeping mesa. To my right, pink skies slowly warmed dark mountains till the barest sliver of blue light shone between the peaks. As I crested La Bajada, the sun began to claim the day, sending moon to rest and wait.

As we walk through this season that boasts euphoric reunions and won’t let us forget painful separations, may we remember the cycle of the sun and the moon. Hold less tightly to each; let them pass over and through us as they will. Both have an abundance of blessings and lessons to help us continue walking.

Sharp white fragments beneath my feet
poking, jabbing, jarring my sanity
tiny, insignificant wounds
hardly worth noticing

soreness turns to bruising
hurts too much to walk
just stay still
no one will notice
tiny, insignificant wounds

poison sneaks past broken skin
infection travels to my brain
tiny, insignificant wounds
hide their power to kill

clean blade bares full intent
reveals the pain
bleeds out the lies
the healing wound of truth

Please, stop using her name.  She’s gone now.  You can’t bring her back.  Don’t you see?  When you look at me and say her name, I feel the crack of your knuckles against my face.  When I look at this screen, her name in place of mine, the cold steel of your indifference slices through raw flesh.  Life, barely formed, leaks away my soul and I cease to exist.

I miss your voice; instructing, teasing, laughing, abrupt, gentle, real.  I miss your voice.